Saturday, March 13, 2010

Declaration of War

Fuck Tanya L. Parker.

This all started with a dream. Neigh, a vision. Imagine if you will, a typical morning after college-level binge drinking. Nobody is particularly thrilled about being awake. Times like these, appearance isn't nearly as high on the priority list as usual. We've all been there before. Your shirt isn't ironed, your socks don't match, your hair is Trump-esque; something is off, but you really just don't care. No big deal.

But then there are times when this goes too far. It's one thing to sulk around your apartment playing NHL2009 looking ghastly. It's an entirely different story when you're standing in line for Sunday brunch, surrounded by aspiring child actors, looking like the Unibomber. Hood up, face unshaven, aviator sunglasses on... indoors. And yet, our BJ pulled this look off flawlessly. It was this sight that brought about the four words our dream was built on: "Clean up your act."

It's a pretty harsh thing to say to someone. It's impossible not to sound condescending, but in a way it kinda needs to be. Saying "clean up your act" is essentially tough love. It's ALSO an awesome, awesome name for a blog created by two guys in their early 20's living in SoCal with nothing better to do that recount the funny shit their lives entail. And so, the dream was born.

Which brings me back to Tanya L. Parker. I think it's important to have a nemesis in life. Healthy competition brings out the best in us all, and if you can manage to make it entirely unhealthy and unexplainably hate driven, even better. Apparently, Ms. Parker decided to start herself a little blog in 2005. She logged a total of two posts, both of which involved her bitching about her new-at-the-time apartment in New York. It had bed bugs. (Note: this pleases me.) She had to get rid of her antique record player. She put it on the curb, and took a picture to prove it. The end.

My problem with this? The name of her blog: "Clean Up Your Act."

Seriously? THAT'S what this bitch names her blog? Not "Whiny Broad In The Big City" or "Too Poor To Sanetize?" The only act that needed cleaning in this case was hers. Now I know how the people at Nintendo felt when was sniped by a porn company when the internet was born. Not that I saw that myself or anything.

I do not know Tanya Parker. I don't believe I ever will. But as far as this blog is concerned, she is now the official nemesis/rival of Klean Up Your Act. That errant K in our title will be a lifelong reminder for both of us that her brief need to bitch and moan cast a shadow on our month-old dreams. No, were not trying to be edgy. No, we aren't trying to shake up the "establishment" or prove that were "new wave." We had to do that shit out of necessity. The URL of our dreams had been frivolously wasted. And now, Tanya will be the Notorious B.I.G. to our Tupac.

So I repeat: Fuck you, Tanya Parker.

By the way, I'm Greg. Nice to meet you.



  1. Brilliant. I think this kind of post should be a recurring theme...pick people at random from the 'blogosphere' and call them out on how ridiculous they are. Just a thought :-)

  2. LOVE this post, because when I first saw the "k" in klean, it did make me wonder "why?"

    I couldn't have thought of a better explanation. If I ever meet Tanya Parker in the street, I'll be sure to backhand her.